Clearly.

Clearly, I have an issue. Because no matter how hard I try, money always ends up burning a hole in my pocket, I'm always in need of a new pair of shoes, I can fill up a journal faster than anyone I know, I have this heart that tries to love all at once, making it easy to break all at once, I have a tendency to trust people more than I should and I think that I push away the people that care about me the most because I'm more afraid if them leaving than anything, and I had a good Christmas and I donated to those on need and I spent time with my family and I was held tight by the boy who loves me, and we might've enjoyed watching Planet of the Apes a little too much, but it's alright because that's what the holidays and breaks are about. Issues and family time and fear and holding and being held.

Clearly, I have a very good life. A good life for me. I really wouldn't trade it for anything. I am so tired however, and I hear a dream calling my name from that place that's right between awake and asleep and it's shouting good things so I think I'll listen and drift away happy tonight.

Much love always & forever,

Katherine

Getaway.

On Sunday I received an unexpected phone call, and a quick two hours later I was on my way to St. George for the next three days. These kinds of things never happen to me. While I quite enjoy spontaneity, it never occurs to the universe to allow me to do anything spontaneous or on a whim.

It was so fun to just get away from everything and just let go. I was able to follow a photographer around at a wedding and also climb red rocks and see an amazing skyline and just be a little warmer than our hometown. We went and saw movies, toured a lot of parking lots while trying not to be lost and also ate lots of dark chocolate covered pomegranates. It was also surprisingly spiritual, as I was able to talk about things that I don't really discuss with other people and I really came to terms with who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and whether or not I really need an iPhone (AKA: A third arm).

In the end I realized that while it is incredible to run away from reality for a little while, (even if it is amidst a lot of blue hairs and their grandchildren) when it comes down to it, you'll still leave behind an empty hotel room, a messy bed, a warmer climate, but you'll take away endless memories filled with inside jokes and a lovely friendship.


I can't believe Christmas is coming so soon. It still hasn't hit me. Maybe it should snow a tiny bit? I hope you've had a wonderful week thus far!

Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine

Let it always be known that I was who I am.

Within the past week I've really began to understand who I am, and how I fit into this world. It's a curious thing to observe others and how they fit with their respective families, and how everyone is tied together. Truly, each person is connected to one another on this planet and by even being a tiny bit more optimistic, one can change the course of how people around them feel and react.

I'm starting to think that we are who we are, and though we can change and adapt and become whatever we please, we have our own uniqueness that is just there, of course the way we were raised and the perceptions we have as we grow older can change our views on things in life, but truly, people are always who they were. Our core, our very deepest part of the soul is who we are, and it is to that we must hold to.

"Rambling Man" by Laura Marling is the inspiration for the title of this post. You can watch it here.

In One Breath.

"Oh hey," I'll say the day you come home and give you a hug so big you'll have to wiggle free to breathe, but of course you'll like it because you missed me just as much as I miss you, if not more because you were the one that left to go find yourself a better you, which is funny because I thought you were just fine, maybe even perfect the way you were when you were here, but who am I to decide, because the further you go, the more I realize how much you and I need to grow on our own before we can ever really be free to chase our dream, yes that dream, the one that holds us together and keeps us calling, writing, living, breathing, hearts beating in perfect time even though it's so hard, oh it's so hard, especially when the fighting gets so bad and our hearts get so sad that we wonder what we're even doing here and why we keep trying when all we do is cause more pain and tears than the average person should have to endure, but who decided what was average and when did they decide and how come it affects us so personally, especially since we think we're different and we can beat the odds, and you even bought me a ring that sparkles and shines and I got you one too, but what does that even mean because who knows, maybe we can beat the highest odds, but maybe not, and we just have to see the next time I can hug you, because I'll just take a death breath and say,
"Oh hey."

Watch out for that doughnut.

Fourth period. Test corrections. No sleep last night.

Sometimes I think I have the heaviest eyelids in the world.

Much Love & Nap time (please),

Katherine

P.S. At least I managed to duck and avoid the doughnut chucked at the guy behind me.

A Long Way Gone.

There are a lot of things that I want to say and they're all jumbled up in a pile in my mind and I can't even express what usually comes so easily to me and all I know is that I've traveled a road for a long time that begins somewhere around 7:45am and ends near 2:15pm and for 12 long years I've been doing the same thing and it's just about to end around the bend.

But really, life has always been changing and I've just had to adapt and go with whatever the flow brings, be it pain or smiles or turkey or writer's block or Christmas lights or cuddling or late night phone calls, even the messy rooms, Black Fridays, movies with mom, card games with dad, make up with baby sister, college applications, the recession, and planning, oh always planning ahead for something that is coming and I just want to know when it will be okay to sigh and read my books or take pictures. Then life decides to show me just how grateful I should be.

And I can't wait to go back to school just because it's life and all too soon it will change and I just need to be okay with how it is now. Maybe I stopped blogging for more than a month so I could breathe. So I could keep some things to myself. Maybe I was afraid to be vulnerable. But now, it's okay. It's okay because that's a part of life. You can't keep everyone out forever. Especially when all you want is to be let in.

So break in today, right now, or tomorrow if you're too sleepy. But remember that today, will never happen again in the history of the world. Make it the best. Always.

Much Love, Gratitude, & Vulnerability,

Katherine

Reflection.

Oh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul.
Not everything you'll find will be perfect gold.

-Peaceful the World Lays Me Down (Noah And The Whale)


Today I laid on the floor and the lights were dim and she had us look deep inside ourselves. She told us to inhale and exhale, going deeper and deeper with every breath. She said to truly look for the person we are and forget our bodies and our environment.
But the deeper I went, the colder, darker and more dismal it got, until finally I found myself curled in a ball, surrounded by darkness and frustration. Every bad word, every feeling of malice, every anger, every rejection, everything that I had felt I tucked away in order to avoid conflict. All in the name of peace and everyone else's feelings. I locked that negativity inside myself. I bottled it up until it engulfed my very soul. Then I hid it. I tried to forget. I buried it under chocolate custard, sheet music, football games, ballet slippers, and physics. I knew if I kept moving and never stopped to think about me, at least I'd stay alive. So I let my thoughts run around, keeping me alive but cold and shuddering at the negativity of those thoughts.
Then after breathing in and out and looking at that girl, even me, in a heap of self pity, I teared up at the sight of that weight on her shoulders. That weight of her world that she thinks she can lift all by herself. She lays there, a pathetic pile of waste. Wasting away inside a chamber of secrets laced with laughter in order to deceive others into thinking she's okay. It's okay. Everything is okay.
And then I asked myself,

"Is this really who you want to be on the inside?"

And that was when I let it all go.

Let Me Fly With You.

I wondered what went on behind those eyes. I wondered until at long last I found out. And what I found was not exactly what I had wanted to find.

I found that being with him was like coming up for air after falling deep into cold water. It was like the unexpected taste of a mystery jelly bean. It was like jumping out of a swing. It was like waking up to a white Christmas. It was like opening your eyes first thing in the morning. It was like the click before the picture.

But it was all so much. A Pandora's box of emotion. There was too much there. I didn't know how long it was going to work. And it turns out, I didn't have long to wait. Too soon, the moments ended and he disappeared,

taking my heart with him.

Life's too Short to Forget.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only person in this world. I forget that I’m not the only one struggling. I forget that there are millions of beautiful people who are crying and dying and they have much harder lives than I do.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to eat a burger, fries and a shake every once in a while. I forget that it’s okay not to be a certain height or weight and strut down darkened paths in time with techno music. I forget that it’s okay not to suck it in all the time.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that it’s completely normal to feel like everything’s falling apart, especially when you wake up with a couple new mountains on your forehead and naturally dry elbows. I forget that it’s okay not to be the one he talks to and smiles at.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to make a mistake. Sometimes I forget that no one is perfect. I forget that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to freak out. It’s okay to back up. It’s okay to do things backwards and learn what is best for you.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to feel like you’re stuck on repeat and everyday blends into the next. Sometimes I forget that I will be gone sooner than I think and whether or not I believe it, I will miss this place.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that this isn’t it. That there is so much more to everything. I forget that I won’t work in fast food forever. I forget it’s okay that I hate when my hands smell like peanut butter even though I’m not allergic. I forget that one day if I work hard enough, I will work my dream. A dream job.

Sometimes I forget, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to be different. I forget to remember where I came from. I forget that no one will care if I spent lunch in the library. Sometimes I forget to tell people I love them. Sometimes it’s okay to forget to smile at everyone and be smiled at for once.

Sometimes I forget these things
but then I remember;
it’s all going to be okay.

Much Love,

Katherine

Life.

I have one picture left on my film camera.
I can't help but want to save it for a moment that I know will only happen once. When we've only got one chance to make something good, often we try harder to make it the best.
Being human, most of the time we take advantage of the fact that we'll always have other chances. But one day, we will run out.

Words of advice arrived in my mailbox today:

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."
-Ralf Waldo Emerson

It is wonderfully true. Don't forget about the small things in life that make up our days and never assume that everything will stay as it is. The world moves on without looking back to see who's still dreaming of the past, and we should do well to live in the present and make sure we make everyday a good time.


Smile, you never know when you're making a memory.

Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine

You Can't Hurry Love.

Love is constantly a flight
and only when you're still
will it ever stop to perch
on your shoulders,
tapping your head
with smug recognition
because you couldn't see
its intentions while you
were trying so hard
to pin it down.


The best kind of love is worth waiting for; you can't find it just anywhere.


Much Love & Luck,

Katherine

Packaged and Sealed.

There are emotions that rage in everyone.
Some are more hidden than others,
and only rear their ugly heads at
the most inopportune moments.
There is exhaustion, a result of my own procrastination.
There is guilt, caused by my conscience.
There is irritation, caused by the man taking forever to fix my camera.
There is stress, caused by a multitude of circumstances.
There is pain, because I'm lonely.
There is more.
There is always more.
And all of these are stuck to my insides, rising to my eyes and
threatening to escape as I just try,
I try and try to box myself in.

Flashback.

"Are you Chinese?" the girl spat at me.
"No..." I mumbled. "I'm half Hmong."
"Monk? What's that?" She looked at me like I should be bald and humming in an orange robe.
"Not Monk. Hmong. My mom is from Laos." I clarified.
"Where's that?"
"It's over by Thailand."
"Where's Thailand?"
Had this girl even heard of a world map?
"Under China. On the other side of the world?" I answered, trying not to let too much sarcasm coat my voice.
"Why do your eyes look like that?" She demanded, narrowing hers.
"Like what?" I asked, hoping she would drop it. She didn't.
"Like this." She used her hands to stretch her eyes into barely visible slits.
"All squinty and stuff. Can you even see?"
I hadn't thought my eyes were any different from anyone else. They worked just fine.
"I have 20-20 vision." I said.
"I heard that's not even that good." She retorted.
I said nothing, hoping she would go away. The bell rang, signaling the end of recess. The girl skipped to the front of the line with her friends and I stayed behind. My arms were crossed in front of my chest as if to hold in all the tears and stop my heart from hurting. Was I really that different from everyone else? I inhaled deeply and wondered how the rest of 3rd grade was going to go.

Fall.

September is made
with burning trees
apple cider
and falling leaves.

It's crocheted in brown
and stitched in yellow.
It is cozy scarves
and a cuddly fellow.

It is warmth from
love, cold shivers
from rain and a
brightness of hope
that knows no name.

--Katherine Ellis
Sept. 10, 2011

From a Letter to His Daughter

Ralph Waldo Emerson



Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities
no doubt have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with
your old nonsense.

This day is all that is
good and fair.
It is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on yesterdays.


Much Love & Courage,

Katherine

Talent.

A girl named Lisa drew this picture for me.
Isn't she incredibly talented?



I have more to say, but lack the time.
It's my uncle's birthday and we're about to sing to him.



Much Love & Remembrance,

Katherine

You Decide.

The mask I've put on,
is getting worn.
It is a caricature of
what I once was.
Who I am now,
is a ghost of what
I could be.

Now the question remains,
which one is really me?

Lost in Time.

You know, there are times when I know exactly what I'm doing, where I'm going, and how I'm going to get everything done.

This weekend was not one of those weekends.

I had homework. Didn't do much of it.
I was supposed to clean my room. Cleaned up most of it.
Now I have an hour until I go to work, and then I'll come home, shower, go to bed, and oh, what do you know? I have school in the 7:00 A.M.

I wish I was less of a procrastinator, more of a go getter.
I guess I can start right now.

Fine.
I may be a procrastinator, but my guilty conscience always gets me going.

Have a good week everyone!

Much Love & Procrastination,

Katherine

If Only.

If only I had the time, I would share the epiphany I had yesterday.
If only I had the time, I would be done with my homework and asleep.
If only I wasn't a procrastinator, I wouldn't be on here.
If only my belly was full, I'd probably be happier.


If only.


Much Love & Responsibility,

Katherine

Lies.

Don't ever believe anything they tell you.

It's all a lie.

Take A Step Back.

Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy.

When I think of all the things that I have to do, want to do, and get to do, I get so overwhelmed.

It's like my mind is a million years ahead of my body and I think of all my hopes and dreams and visions of who I want to be and my future and then all of a sudden in "Katherineland" where everything is peachy keen and no one cries, Reality decides to rear its ugly head and I get smacked in the face with all the bad things that happen to hopefuls like me.

I wish I was a little more resilient. A little less perceptible to the earthquakes of change that rock through Katherineland and leave a path of depression and destruction.

But you know, I think that one day, maybe someday soon I will be good at living my life fully and not holding on so tightly to everything and being able to let go and say good-bye when it needs to be said.

And until then, Katherineland will stand tall against all the earthquakes that life sends, while fully embracing everything that life can be.

Much Love & Luck,

Katherine

A Heart that Hurts, Is A Heart that Beats

There is little as painful
as a lover's good-bye,
As my eyes full of tears
and all the reasons why
hang heavy in my heart,
no matter how hard I try,
I know that my lover,
is the best at good-bye.

Weathering the Storm.

It would come with subtle warnings.
The shift in the air.
The taste of tears.
The knowledge that nothing would ever be the same.
The sun would begin to set earlier,
the wind would pick up,
the sky would turn to gray.
Rain would fall,
then soon after,
snow.

And alone, with no one to protect her from change,

she would watch and feel it all.

Summer Days.

Isn't she a wonderful photographer?


Much Love & Sunshine,

Katherine

Drown Out the World

Her thoughts flew around her mind like
lazy birds attempting to find a
place to land... or even
make a home.
But her mind kept barking
commands and sending them
scattering.

So she lay there,
her world spinning around her,
life waiting for no one; humanity
continuing without a second glance.
In this moment, she felt like
no one.

And still,
life went on.

Ballet Thursday.

This class was 2 hours instead of the usual hour and a half class on Tuesdays.

Why?

Conditioning. Like real, live, conditioning. Ladders, hopping across the floor, ab workouts....the whole deal.

Apparently I struggle with 5th position. I'm tired of using, "It's been almost a decade since I last *insert ballet move here*" as an excuse for my failure. I'm just going to say, "That's how I wanted to do 5th position today. So if I happen to change it next time, that's how I wanted it."

You know what I kept thinking the entire time I was dancing?

Who invented leotards anyway?

I've never met an article of clothing that can flatten a chest, while simultaneously giving my booty an unnecessary boost AND enhancing my thighs.
For only $23.95, you too can look like a pear!


Much Love & Practice,

Katherine

Ballet Tuesday.

I know it's Wednesday. But I went straight from Ballet yesterday to work.
Before I even start this post, just remember: I haven't been in a Ballet class since I was 10. I've done Hip-Hop and Ballroom since then, but no Ballet. I had my first Ballet class in 7 years yesterday.


I don't know what I was expecting.
I mean, did I really go into class thinking, "As soon as I put these Ballet shoes on I will be able to speak French fluently and suddenly become a better dancer than the Prima Ballerina at the Kirov Ballet." *Sparkle, sparkle, curtsy, thank you, thank you! Muwah!*

All I know is that during barre exercises my right ankle began to complain, then in the middle of glissades my calf started seizing up and I just thought, "No...no! Bad calf! You will NOT have a charley horse now. Please no." Then by the time we started doing grand jetes across the floor I felt like jelly.

It didn't help that my feet were all, "Hey let's just do whatever we want."
I was thinking, "Run, run, run, right, run, run, left, run, run, right, arabesque."
My feet went, "Run, run, run, half-run, which foot? Um, right, run, run, run, crap! left foot? run, run, run, run, half-run, left, ah! no right! Craptastic arabesque followed by a shameful walk to the corner to do it again."

For some reason I pictured this going differently. Something like after one class I suddenly remembered everything I had missed in the past 7 years? I just wanted to be like that 92 year old woman who graduated from college you know? Start something with all odds against you and conquer it. That's proving much harder to do. Especially when your teacher corrects you with the sentence, "At your age you should be able to *insert basic move in French that I've long forgotten here*"

Slap! Sigh. Like I don't already know I should know this "at my age."
This is really making me wish I didn't quit when I was 10. I could've had 7 whole years between then and now to be awesome.

Now, I'll probably become one of those mothers who lives vicariously through their daughters and won't let her quit dancing because I regret my personal decision while neglecting her opinion and letting her live her life the way she wants to, therefore destroying our relationship because "she's not me" and "this is my dream not hers."


My Dream Before Class: Get good enough to join a Company later in life

My Dream After Class: Survive...


I think I'll go stretch some more now. I need some serious work.

Much Love & Sore Feet,

Katherine

The Earth Says Hello.

A remedy for the days when the skies are gray, the rain refuses to fall, and the air is just chilly enough for a light jacket.

1. If You Have Nowhere to Go

a. Good. Don't. Go. Anywhere.

Turn off the computer, get in your comfy clothes, grab a good book and a cup of cocoa and stay in bed.

2. If You Have Plans

a. Cancel them and see 1a.

3. If You Have to Work

a. Fine. Work. But after, check out 1a.

4. If You Have to Work and It's the Slowest Day Known to Mankind

a. Amuse yourself.

b. Sing

c. Make yourself a mini-chili dog and coo at its preciousness

d. Make sure there is truly NOTHING to do

e. Doodle

d. When you're done, try 1a.

5. If You Have Plans and Don't Want to Change Them

a. It'll probably rain on your parade.

b. In that case, see 1a.

6. If You Are Dealing with Something Not Mentioned

a. Seriously consider your life

b. If there isn't much to consider, (or if there's too much to consider) consider item 1a.

Much Love & A Cozy Day,

Katherine

The Silent Game.

There comes a time in everyone's life, when unhappiness chooses to ensnare them in a web of sorrow. Before long the grief builds up behind this entanglement until it can no longer be withheld. It bursts, leaking through ones eyes and soaking everything to the core. At these times, the silent game begins. Choking on words, you begins to shut everyone else out.

But it's at these moments, where life's truest friends seek you out, becoming your only light in the darkness. Only because of them, are you truly unafraid, and ready to start over.


Much Love & A New Beginning,

Katherine


P.S. On a complete side note: I have found that I really love film photography. It's so exciting not knowing what your picture will look like until it's developed. Plus, all the pictures give off the "retro cool" vibe. Digital smigital. Pssh.

Take Three.

Movies are fantastic.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a movie.

Or I just stare out my window while driving and pretend I'm in a movie.

Especially if I'm listening to these songs:

Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap

Mango Tree - Angus & Julia Stone

I'm going to a Student Council retreat this week. I'll blog more when I get back. In the mean time, everyone be good and have a great week. And make your life, your own definition of picture perfect.



Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine


P.S. Happy Birthday to my Best Cousin Forever, Sarah! :)

And Then Everything Got Soggy.

Have you ever experienced the joy of being the first to open a box of cereal, and having the toy fall right into your bowl?

It's very exciting.
It made my morning.
It was a Spongebob figurine.

Thank you Cinnamon Toast Crunch!


Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine

Do You Have A Dollar For Me?

I am now employed.


And all I want to spend my money on is a bike, a pretty dress, and ballet lessons.


Can I be the girl that you met at the coin laundry?


Much Love & Great Customer Service,

Katherine

Today, I Will Be Delightful.

I read something the other day. It was a simple thought.

A man overheard a woman gushing about how much she loved to travel with her husband and how she just loved to be with him. She spoke about him so often that the man wondered what this man had that he didn't. He met the husband of this woman, and he turned out to be a great man. Nothing exceptional, but just a great husband. The man wondered if he was a good travel companion to his wife, and what she would say about him when he was gone. He decided to change his attitude and make the trip more enjoyable for his wife. He woke up the next morning, looked at himself in the mirror and said,


"Today, I will be delightful."

I believe that with that attitude, we can change any relationship. Be it parent - child, siblings, friendly, romantic, as long as you choose to be delightful and an enjoyable companion, you will have a much happier and healthier relationship.


Much Love & A Delightful Attitude,

Katherine

Defense Mechanism.

If our hearts had a defense mechanism, I wouldn't need to have walls.

If our hearts stopped pain, I wouldn't ever shed a tear.

If our hearts thought about who they love, I would never fall for someone who doesn't care for me.

If our hearts, had one perfect half, and it was as simple as finding them to find true love that lasts, I would be able to say I found mine.


But,

there is no such thing.

Starlight.

When someone sings you a song, that they wrote, for you, by himself,

it kind of makes you want to love them forever.



Much Love & Spontaneity,

The Girl with Perfect Hair who wears her retainer every night


P.S. I'm going star gazing tonight.

Goodbye Again.

Well, I just thought that I'd say farewell again.
I've also never been up this early since Summer started. I was up at 6:32 am.

It feels really good.

I want to leave you with my favorite scripture and a helpful quote. This is truly what got me through the hardest time of my life. I hope it helps you in some small way.
Try not to miss me too much this week. :)
I'll be back before you know it.


God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will see you through it. D&C 121:7-9

Away, Away, Away from Here I'll Be.

I'm off to Girl's Camp tomorrow.

I'm lacking words today because I miss someone dearly.
He's off trekking through the wilderness, pulling handcarts.
I wish he was here to see me off.

I also don't feel to well today. My stomach is achy but I have so much to do, things to get, sweatshirts to pack.

Have a fantastic week everyone. I'll be back on Saturday.


Much Love & a Happy Camping Spirit,

Katherine


P.S. If you love someone, tell them. For hearts are often broken, by words left unspoken.

Beautiful Simplicity.

In all honesty, the most beautiful things are the simplest things in life.
Sunsets, flowers, the sky, natural things.
I wish that there weren't so many artificial things in life and that our world was still naturally beautiful. All these things that promise to enhance beauty can sometimes hinder it.


Remember when being called "human" was a good thing?


Much Love & Deep Thoughts,

Katherine

Just Desserts.

In a desperate attempt to understand what goes on in a male mind, I asked one of my friends to please explain why a guy can treat a girl like she's the only thing he cares for, but still want to interact and date and be with other girls. He then proceeded to give me an analogy that several other guys have agreed with wholeheartedly.

Guys view girls like a buffet table of desserts. They see their favorite dessert and get a heaping helping on their plate. But by the time they get around to the other side of the table, other desserts start to look appetizing as well. They then add some smaller portions of the other desserts to the plate, all while keeping their favorite dessert on the plate.

I was upset with my friend. "What the??! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! What if I don't want to be on the plate anymore??"
He responded, "Oh no. A dessert cannot jump off the plate. Once it's on the plate, it is on the plate."

I have asked several guys since then if this is true, and most of them have agreed to an extent. And I've asked why the crap a we cannot have our free will and just "Dessert Overboard" and not have to share our plate with other delicacies. Each responded with something along the lines of, "It's our favorite dessert. And we will want the most of it. No matter what else we try, we will always come back to it."

Que all the questions like,

"What if you find an even better dessert?"
"What if you decide to dump all desserts for that even better one?"
"What if you just never want to settle down with your 'favorite' dessert?"

And so on.

Then I began to think about my favorite dessert.

Chocolate chip cookies.

One in particular. My chocolate chip cookie. He's all I wanted in a dessert. My favorite. No matter what other dessert I try, I will always love a chocolate chip cookie. It's simple, perfect, comforting, it tastes like home. It just fits.
And once upon a time, my chocolate chip cookie and I tried to be the only desserts on each others plates. It went well for a time. Until my parents wanted me to try other desserts. They were so worried about me only eating chocolate chip cookies that they made all sorts of rules about how I hate to eat two other desserts before eating my favorite. It didn't necessarily work. They also begged my cookie to please try other desserts on his plate.
He refused.
But after watching me partake of other desserts for so long, he was frustrated that I couldn't please both him and my parents and thus ended our exclusive dessert dating. He found other desserts to eat, and I swore off desserts.
Seriously.
For about 4 or 5 months I was extremely frustrated with desserts. Period. I wanted my chocolate chip cookie, and he was gorging himself on a diet of other desserts. Desserts that were nutty and crunchy and not anything like the brownie that he professed I was. I was hurt. And in denial. But then, I tried a little bit of other desserts. Just nibbles. And I was okay.
I found I liked a Snickerdoodle quiet a bit. And had a couple of M&M's along the way. None ever compared to my favorite. I never found another chocolate chip cookie.
But then out of nowhere, my chocolate chip cookie came back. He hopped on my plate and forced me to remember all of our good times and why I loved chocolate chip cookies so much. And in the midst of all this confusion and happiness at having my cookie back, I swept my plate clean. I got rid of any traces of Snickerdoodle, no more M&M's, nothing. I tenderly placed my favorite dessert in the middle of my plate and watched over it. No other desserts interested me as I had missed my favorite for so long.
Unfortunately, the past had taught him to be careful. And his plate was not cleared for me. He made me promise to eat other desserts too. He didn't want to just eat my brownie self. He wanted the best of every dessert. He professed that I was his stack of brownies, his absolute favorite, and the rest were just single Skittles. A Skittle here and there to satiate his appetite.
And again, I was confused.
Here I was, wanted only my cookie, and he wanted other desserts still. And I had just cut all ties with my other desserts. I had made it very clear that I wanted nothing from them. And they had cleared their plates of me.

Alone I sit tonight, wondering what kind of Skittle my cookie is out with at the moment, and wondering if she truly understands how much I care about that cookie. That every time she looks at him, she's looking at the only dessert that has made me feel the way I do. The dessert that makes me feel like fairy tales do come true, the dessert that makes me want to fly. That she is spending time with the only dessert that has ever come close to making me want it forever.

Of course I try to imagine all the desserts that I have never tried. But honestly, I have lost the desire. I just want my comfortable chocolate chip cookie that will always have a power over me that I will never understand. We are forced apart, and the distance this time is not created by worried parents, but by the cookie himself. And that is what hurts the most.

So I denied myself of the only dessert I wanted. I placed him on the counter next to my plate and stared at the emptiness of it. I sat wondering how it all will play out.

"I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved."

And as I look back and forth between my empty plate and my crumbly cookie on the counter, my plate is slowly filled with tiny drops of feeling that run down my cheeks, eager to fill my plate with something, anything, in order to help me forget my favorite dessert.

Proof is in the Pudding

Not to long ago,

I lost myself.

I forgot who I was, how I acted, and went through the motions of life, without ever really trying to understand why, let alone enjoy it.
I came to the realization that I am wasting my life away and I need to change.
So I did.

And every once in awhile, those haunting moments of insecurity track me down, and snuff out every flame of happiness I managed to hold onto.
But during the darkest times, and the moments that scare me the most, I remember something...

I've been there before.

And I survived.


Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine