Reflection.

Oh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul.
Not everything you'll find will be perfect gold.

-Peaceful the World Lays Me Down (Noah And The Whale)


Today I laid on the floor and the lights were dim and she had us look deep inside ourselves. She told us to inhale and exhale, going deeper and deeper with every breath. She said to truly look for the person we are and forget our bodies and our environment.
But the deeper I went, the colder, darker and more dismal it got, until finally I found myself curled in a ball, surrounded by darkness and frustration. Every bad word, every feeling of malice, every anger, every rejection, everything that I had felt I tucked away in order to avoid conflict. All in the name of peace and everyone else's feelings. I locked that negativity inside myself. I bottled it up until it engulfed my very soul. Then I hid it. I tried to forget. I buried it under chocolate custard, sheet music, football games, ballet slippers, and physics. I knew if I kept moving and never stopped to think about me, at least I'd stay alive. So I let my thoughts run around, keeping me alive but cold and shuddering at the negativity of those thoughts.
Then after breathing in and out and looking at that girl, even me, in a heap of self pity, I teared up at the sight of that weight on her shoulders. That weight of her world that she thinks she can lift all by herself. She lays there, a pathetic pile of waste. Wasting away inside a chamber of secrets laced with laughter in order to deceive others into thinking she's okay. It's okay. Everything is okay.
And then I asked myself,

"Is this really who you want to be on the inside?"

And that was when I let it all go.