Clearly.

Clearly, I have an issue. Because no matter how hard I try, money always ends up burning a hole in my pocket, I'm always in need of a new pair of shoes, I can fill up a journal faster than anyone I know, I have this heart that tries to love all at once, making it easy to break all at once, I have a tendency to trust people more than I should and I think that I push away the people that care about me the most because I'm more afraid if them leaving than anything, and I had a good Christmas and I donated to those on need and I spent time with my family and I was held tight by the boy who loves me, and we might've enjoyed watching Planet of the Apes a little too much, but it's alright because that's what the holidays and breaks are about. Issues and family time and fear and holding and being held.

Clearly, I have a very good life. A good life for me. I really wouldn't trade it for anything. I am so tired however, and I hear a dream calling my name from that place that's right between awake and asleep and it's shouting good things so I think I'll listen and drift away happy tonight.

Much love always & forever,

Katherine

Getaway.

On Sunday I received an unexpected phone call, and a quick two hours later I was on my way to St. George for the next three days. These kinds of things never happen to me. While I quite enjoy spontaneity, it never occurs to the universe to allow me to do anything spontaneous or on a whim.

It was so fun to just get away from everything and just let go. I was able to follow a photographer around at a wedding and also climb red rocks and see an amazing skyline and just be a little warmer than our hometown. We went and saw movies, toured a lot of parking lots while trying not to be lost and also ate lots of dark chocolate covered pomegranates. It was also surprisingly spiritual, as I was able to talk about things that I don't really discuss with other people and I really came to terms with who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and whether or not I really need an iPhone (AKA: A third arm).

In the end I realized that while it is incredible to run away from reality for a little while, (even if it is amidst a lot of blue hairs and their grandchildren) when it comes down to it, you'll still leave behind an empty hotel room, a messy bed, a warmer climate, but you'll take away endless memories filled with inside jokes and a lovely friendship.


I can't believe Christmas is coming so soon. It still hasn't hit me. Maybe it should snow a tiny bit? I hope you've had a wonderful week thus far!

Much Love & Spontaneity,

Katherine

Let it always be known that I was who I am.

Within the past week I've really began to understand who I am, and how I fit into this world. It's a curious thing to observe others and how they fit with their respective families, and how everyone is tied together. Truly, each person is connected to one another on this planet and by even being a tiny bit more optimistic, one can change the course of how people around them feel and react.

I'm starting to think that we are who we are, and though we can change and adapt and become whatever we please, we have our own uniqueness that is just there, of course the way we were raised and the perceptions we have as we grow older can change our views on things in life, but truly, people are always who they were. Our core, our very deepest part of the soul is who we are, and it is to that we must hold to.

"Rambling Man" by Laura Marling is the inspiration for the title of this post. You can watch it here.

In One Breath.

"Oh hey," I'll say the day you come home and give you a hug so big you'll have to wiggle free to breathe, but of course you'll like it because you missed me just as much as I miss you, if not more because you were the one that left to go find yourself a better you, which is funny because I thought you were just fine, maybe even perfect the way you were when you were here, but who am I to decide, because the further you go, the more I realize how much you and I need to grow on our own before we can ever really be free to chase our dream, yes that dream, the one that holds us together and keeps us calling, writing, living, breathing, hearts beating in perfect time even though it's so hard, oh it's so hard, especially when the fighting gets so bad and our hearts get so sad that we wonder what we're even doing here and why we keep trying when all we do is cause more pain and tears than the average person should have to endure, but who decided what was average and when did they decide and how come it affects us so personally, especially since we think we're different and we can beat the odds, and you even bought me a ring that sparkles and shines and I got you one too, but what does that even mean because who knows, maybe we can beat the highest odds, but maybe not, and we just have to see the next time I can hug you, because I'll just take a death breath and say,
"Oh hey."

Watch out for that doughnut.

Fourth period. Test corrections. No sleep last night.

Sometimes I think I have the heaviest eyelids in the world.

Much Love & Nap time (please),

Katherine

P.S. At least I managed to duck and avoid the doughnut chucked at the guy behind me.

A Long Way Gone.

There are a lot of things that I want to say and they're all jumbled up in a pile in my mind and I can't even express what usually comes so easily to me and all I know is that I've traveled a road for a long time that begins somewhere around 7:45am and ends near 2:15pm and for 12 long years I've been doing the same thing and it's just about to end around the bend.

But really, life has always been changing and I've just had to adapt and go with whatever the flow brings, be it pain or smiles or turkey or writer's block or Christmas lights or cuddling or late night phone calls, even the messy rooms, Black Fridays, movies with mom, card games with dad, make up with baby sister, college applications, the recession, and planning, oh always planning ahead for something that is coming and I just want to know when it will be okay to sigh and read my books or take pictures. Then life decides to show me just how grateful I should be.

And I can't wait to go back to school just because it's life and all too soon it will change and I just need to be okay with how it is now. Maybe I stopped blogging for more than a month so I could breathe. So I could keep some things to myself. Maybe I was afraid to be vulnerable. But now, it's okay. It's okay because that's a part of life. You can't keep everyone out forever. Especially when all you want is to be let in.

So break in today, right now, or tomorrow if you're too sleepy. But remember that today, will never happen again in the history of the world. Make it the best. Always.

Much Love, Gratitude, & Vulnerability,

Katherine

Reflection.

Oh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul.
Not everything you'll find will be perfect gold.

-Peaceful the World Lays Me Down (Noah And The Whale)


Today I laid on the floor and the lights were dim and she had us look deep inside ourselves. She told us to inhale and exhale, going deeper and deeper with every breath. She said to truly look for the person we are and forget our bodies and our environment.
But the deeper I went, the colder, darker and more dismal it got, until finally I found myself curled in a ball, surrounded by darkness and frustration. Every bad word, every feeling of malice, every anger, every rejection, everything that I had felt I tucked away in order to avoid conflict. All in the name of peace and everyone else's feelings. I locked that negativity inside myself. I bottled it up until it engulfed my very soul. Then I hid it. I tried to forget. I buried it under chocolate custard, sheet music, football games, ballet slippers, and physics. I knew if I kept moving and never stopped to think about me, at least I'd stay alive. So I let my thoughts run around, keeping me alive but cold and shuddering at the negativity of those thoughts.
Then after breathing in and out and looking at that girl, even me, in a heap of self pity, I teared up at the sight of that weight on her shoulders. That weight of her world that she thinks she can lift all by herself. She lays there, a pathetic pile of waste. Wasting away inside a chamber of secrets laced with laughter in order to deceive others into thinking she's okay. It's okay. Everything is okay.
And then I asked myself,

"Is this really who you want to be on the inside?"

And that was when I let it all go.